Peace Corps Kyrgyzstan

Monday, November 01, 2004

Condom Skits and Rabies Shots

October 27, 2004, was my directorial debut. After viewing a pus-filled
PowerPoint on Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia et al, our Peace Corps Medical Officer, Yelena, challenged us [8 separate groups] to come up with a skit on the proper technique for “applying a condom”. Mind you, condoms and phalli were provided to those groups who needed such banal props to carry forth this beautifully creative challenge; Group #4 [my group] was the only one needing no such props.

With only the shirts off our backs, we put together a masterful interpretive dance, that’s had Broadway phoning us for days. Keep in mind, the entire month of October the men have been growing mustaches for “StacheTober” and I am currently the proud wearer of a 1970’s porn star “Leisure Suit Larry” stache.

Let me further set the stage: After assembling in our groups [Group #4 consisted of 5 men and 3 women], we had five minutes to think up a skit. After two and half minutes of the usual, “Does your host family use Christmas cards as toilet paper too? Did you hear so and so fell in a manhole? What’s with that crazy drunk tractor driver? Did you get that package with the oregano yet?”—I realized we needed something uplifting in order to get our condom skit on. But what…?

And then the epiphany hit me!

Only an interpretive dance can subtly convey the discretion and control necessary to properly apply a condom to a phallus.

The idea arrived in toto, complete with roles, music and our own props. Better yet, since it was an interpretive dance, no speaking roles were necessary…except the announcer of course.

Here’s how it broke down--please note, imagination is key in comprehending the complexity of this arousing piece.

The Players: 5 men and 3 women

The Penis: [three men] two men sitting on the floor, knees to chest, heads down and arms locked around their legs in front of them (think family jewels); directly between them a man squats on his haunches, arms hanging limply at his sides as he awaits his cue to arise to the occasion.

The Music: one man standing in the background humming classical music [think DeBeers Diamonds theme mixed with 2001 Space Odyssey]

The Condom: starring my rolled-up sweater and another volunteer’s winter hat [think reservoir]

The Condom Applicators: Two women willing to unroll a sweater over a man and place a hat atop his head.

Interpretive Dancers: One woman [excellent dancer] and yours truly [think of an elephant trying to perform ballet on ice-skates]

Announcer: Also played by me and I’m proud to say the only speaking role, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please be seated…Thank you all for coming…no pun intended…we have for you this evening, a beautiful interpretive dance…let us begin.”

[Music starts soft and grows harder…ummm…louder]

[Man on his haunches slowly begins to stand]

………….Laughter……….

[interpretive dancers twist, writhe and run across the stage]

[Man on haunches now fully erect begins arching backward (note: this arching was brilliantly ad-libbed by Erich—AKA The Penis)]

[Music reaches climax]

Two women approach either side of the arching Erich, one with sweater and the other with hat; sweater is placed over his head and pulled down around his waist and winter cap is set gently a top his head.

……….The crowd (consisting of the program manager, the medical staff and 58 other volunteers) erupts!………

Later that day, as the Medical Officer was about to administer my third and final rabies shot [standard procedure for every volunteer here] she asked me, “Larry, vas dee dahnse zjur idea?”

I paused and looked at Yelena who smiled behind her needle, squeezing out a little of the anti-rabies serum, to punctuate her question, “…so vas eet?”

“No, no, no…it was the group’s idea.” I replied glibly, captivated by the awful length of the syringe.

Yelena’s eyes fixed on the needle’s tip. She flicked the cylinder’s plastic bladder twice and lowered it toward my arm, “I thought dees skit vas sverry funny…I tink eet vas zjur doing.”

I smiled and faced forward as the cold steel needle penetrated all five layers of my skin, pushed through my muscle and delivered the burning anti-rabies serum into my bloodstream.

3 Comments:

  • Dr. Tweed,
    I see that you are up to your old tricks again with unseemly skits, not surprising at all. If I remember correctly you previously played the role of an addicted judge who snorted away the evidence...
    Let me know when you are ready for that flyrod, sounds like you may have some prime water to fish in Osh. Take care,Aaron

    By Blogger AMVL, At 5:54 PM  

  • Yep, Aaron, I know the story too (for I was Tweeder's roomate)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 8:48 PM  

  • Last week I built and launched a new blogging site for Peace Corps volunteers called Third Goal.

    I invite you and any other volunteer to create a free account and begin using the site to share your Peace Corps story among others.

    I enjoy reading about your Peace Corps experience.

    Sincerely,
    Jason Pearce of Third Goal

    "Third Goal Is Born"

    By Blogger Jason, At 5:29 PM  

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